When You Lose A Sibling

Let me first start this post off by pointing out that this was not an easy one to write. When I was a teenager, I lost my only sister. Throughout life, grief and loss are inevitable, and I have found that with a little help, and a little understanding, dealing with those things gets a little easier. It's my hope that someone who has also lost a sibling, or even a family member to suicide, can read this post and feel a little less alone.

This is my story.

1. The Pause

It's not a pause between sobs, or even a pause between thoughts. It's the distinct pause of the whole world, with all of it's entity, turning--your whole world stops turning. It's the moment when you can see every single tiny particle floating in the stale air, and when your heart starts to beat louder and louder between your ears.

2. Disbelief

It's not disbelief of the fact that they're really gone. It's the disbelief of the fact that they finally did it. They finally lost the seemingly never ending battle with their biggest demon: Depression.

Then comes the screams. The sobs. The heartbreak.

3. The Swarm of Strangers

Not even an hour after the news hits, half of the town crawls out of their caves and starts making their condolences known. Hundreds of meaningless Facebook messages and posts, dozen of family and friends crammed into every room of your broken home, countless missed calls and voicemails of your loved ones sobbing, "Is it true?" into the phone, as your new angel watches from above.

4. The Funeral

The week leading up to the funeral is a week of no sleep, not eating, and countless meetings between your parents and the funeral director. The wake and the funeral are soon mashed together in one big stinging memory. It's not until the burial that things really start to sink in. It's the sign of your first childhood playmate, partner in crime, other half, shoulder to cry on, and your very best friend, being lowered six feet into the ground. It's the sight of flowers and dirt being thrown onto their casket that stings. It's that very sight that makes you look up to the sky, take a deep breath, and start to wonder if they'll be okay--if you'll be okay.

5. The Blur

It's a blur of flower arrangements, dozens of casserole dishes invading your fridge and kitchen counters, your pastor making daily visits, and hearing the sound of your mother and father crying during the darkest hours of the night. It's the unforgiving blur of sheer helplessness.

6. Eventually, Life Starts Happening Again

You're not sure how, but one day you find yourself five months down the road. Five months after your world was stopped, stomped on, shattered, and turned upside down. Your tears have run dry, and your appetite is back. Your parents stopped crying themselves to sleep, and the flowers withered away. Slowly but surely, you're picking up the pieces of your world, and you're gluing them back together. Your world will forever be damaged and incomplete because one thing will undoubtedly be held true: The last piece of your world is your sibling in Heaven.

If you or someone you know is struggling with depression or suicide, please contact: 1-800-273-8255